From Infatuation to Intention: Rethinking Love Beyond The Spark
Image by: @yanakphoto on Instagram!
Growing up we were taught that the idea of love is all about intuition or an immediate impulse. That “spark” that everybody talks about and or that you see in those cheesy romcoms. It is that unwavering pull that magnetizes you to another individual. However, impulse doesn’t mean that someone or something is inherently good for you. Especially when it comes to committing to someone.
I have had my fair share of impulsive relationships. Whether that be in a form of a crush and or a longterm relationship. Reflecting back on my major lessons about love - I have kind of turned away from the idea of a “spark.” Not to say that I do not believe in it, it’s just that I have realized that there is something greater beyond that first gut instinct that you have for someone.
There is this amazing argumentative analysis by Alain De Bottom called: Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person. He has been dubbed the “love expert” and has various of podcasts and talks all about the central and complicating idea of love. He breaks it down to such a cohesive understanding that genuinely forces you to dive into your belief of being in love and a relationship.
After watching a view of his talks - I have never had such a cemented revelation about love. I really do urge anybody who either wants to improve their current relationship, looking to commit, questioning or overall wanting to deepen and breakdown their beliefs of a relationship.
I never skip past an interview of a couple whenever it comes up on my feed. The way their eyes sparkle towards each other and the laughter they share on fond memories and experiences. That unspeakable magnetizing field when you can just obviously tell that two people are in love. It’s such a human fondness that everybody ultimately wants at the end of the day.
I think you can tell when two people are very fond of each other in a relationship when you can tell that it is a partnership rather than a relationship. Here’s the thing, when you shift your perspective of allowing yourself to be wrong and wanting to learn from your partner - that is when true love is there. Both people in the relationship have to accept that they have to be a teacher and a student. It shifts from a relationship and conditioning yourself to the label of a girlfriend or boyfriend to rather a team.
The truth is, there is no one that is going to be the ultimate “perfect fit” for you. You have to seek for someone that is good enough (Alain De Bottom goes more in depth about this in his video). Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself:
“Brejette, aren’t you just settling?”
And to that I disagree. Because let’s be honest. You’re far from perfect. I am far from perfect. We all are. So once you begin to dismiss that illusion in your head - you’ll start to seek a partner through a balance of intuition and rationality versus just pure instincts and impulse. You will start to seek a partner that can teach and point things out about you and vice versa. Which is such an opposite want from our ego!
The thing is, you will know that you have found the right person once you have this genuine wanting to be taught by them; and this genuine urge to be patient and to teach them too. Your ego kind of takes a seat - and rather creating a barrier, you create space for understanding.
I will leave you with a quote to ponder about that hooked me on this understanding of love by Alain De Bottom:
“To love ultimately, is to apply charity and generosity of interpretation.”
With love,
Brejette Nepa